Columns

¡Ask A Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 11/18/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Why oh why do most Mexican-American women cut their long, black hair after reaching the pivotal age of 40? Not only do they cut it, but they then proceed to cut it short and dye it all shades of the most unnatural hair color for Mexicans: red. My own madre is guilty of this offense, an...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 11/11/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Whenever I see an ad for a Mexican ramera, they always describe themselves as “spicy.” Are Mexican women hiding habaneros in their panochas?  — Concha Curious  Dear Gabacho: “I wish I could say that ‘Mexican Spitfire’ Lupe Velez was to blame for the ‘spicy’ e...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 11/4/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Why do beaners or gabachos deliberately try to ignore white people and act like they’re not there, or when you’re walking by, the lady beaners laugh so hard with a repulsive fake laugh that makes you want to just punch them? Not only I have noticed this, but a lot of other people say t...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 10/28/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: For most of my life I was oblivious to the hate that Mexicans have for Salvadorans. I became aware of it when I made the huge mistake of marrying a Salvi. Once I became engaged to my Salvi girlfriend, or whenever I would tell any Mexican that I married a Salvi, I was bombarded with so ...[MORE]

Ask A Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 10/21/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: As teachers, we’ve been exhorted to expand our efforts in closing the achievement gap between majority and minority students (read: Anglos and Mexicans). I teach all of my students in the best ways that I can determine for each individual student, within the constraints of a classroom ...[MORE]

Ask A Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 10/14/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: An uninsured wetback just hit my car and totaled his. He had no insurance and no license, but did have a nice cell phone. I asked him if he was OK in my limited Spanish, but he did not ask about me or my children. He was handcuffed and taken away to be booked for one hour to get his re...[MORE]

Ask A Mexican!: Special Wedding Edition

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 10/7/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Readers: Since the Mexican’s sister is getting married to a good man from Zacatecas this weekend, I must ignore my research archives to slaughter a pig and hire a banda sinaloense. So indulge yourselves in some piratería questions I ripped off from my book, and await my return next semana! ...[MORE]

Ask a Mexican

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 9/30/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: As a Mexican-American, I’ve lived in St. Louis for about 17 years and have seen a substantial influx of my brethren. Nevertheless, I’m for border security — against the no-good, godless Canadians. I hate Canadians! Funny accents and cold weather — ha! Why is America not closing the Can...[MORE]

Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 9/23/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: In Garfield strips in the funny pages that appeared earlier this year, Garfield is wearing a sombrero and taking siestas. While cute and all, isn’t that the sort of thing that we have been striving to stop? What was Jim Davis thinking? Maybe he needs a refresher course in not making pe...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 9/16/2009

Types: Columns

We gabachos get differing reports regarding the Reconquista. Some say it’s a genuine movement, well under way. Others claim it’ll never happen, but that it’s useful as a slogan that both antagonizes white America and energizes young Mexicans. Let’s say for now that it’s a genuine movement destined f...[MORE]

Ask a Mexican!

Published: 9/9/2009

Types: Columns

SPECIAL EL EDITION Why do Mexicans make the sign of mucho dinero with a gap between their thumbs and index fingers, as if holding an imaginary wad of bills between both fingers?  — El Zorro Chupagringos  Dear Gabacho-Sucking Fox: Because if a pendejo like you can get the g...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 9/2/2009

Types: Columns

I am a 22-year-old Mexican-American woman, still living with my parents, but going to college, working full-time and taking care of myself financially. I grew up in a very traditional Mexican household, youngest of four kids, and we were all ...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!: SPECIAL TWO-LINERS EDITION

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 8/26/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: A gabacho in the local daily suggested that some of our prisons be outsourced to Mexico to save us some money. What are your thoughts? Would wabs make for good guards looking after homies and white-trash inmates? Have a chew on that taco. — Mike the Mick f...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 8/19/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: My family hasn’t been long in this country, came here because of lousy treatment by other Europeans, and didn’t live close enough to the southern U.S. border to have exposure to Mexico or Mexicans. So, anyone looking down on Mexicans can be mysterious to many of us that have migrated t...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!: SPECIAL SOCCER EDITION

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 8/5/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Why does El Tri act like pendejos every time the U.S. men’s national soccer team kicks their ass? They won’t even shake hands or exchange jerseys after the game, and they always act like the U.S. got lucky with the win, even though the Americans have destroyed Mexico on the pitch this ...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 7/29/2009

Types: Columns

SPECIAL HOUSTON EDITION Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans at construction sites always draw a dick and vagina on the interiors of porta-potties? They sure are not as poetic as they are artistic. Then you got the white-boy reply, “Here I sit flexing a ...” You should know the rest.  — Orig...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 7/15/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: How can I get Mexicans to arrive to a meeting ON TIME?    — Punctual Pete  Dear Gabacho: Tell them you’re offering green cards on a first-come, first-serve basis. And then diles a gabachos to eliminate the concept of arriving “fashionably late” the way they d...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 7/8/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Why is it that ever since the U.S./California let you people immigrate, tunnel, weasel, or whatever into this country that nothing good has happened and/or come from it? California's welfare program is burdened with low-life Hispanics. The prison system is 70-percent Hispanic, 45-perce...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 7/1/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: Looking back recently on my distant youth in northwest Ohio, I came to the realization that the sweetest, most beautiful girl this gabacho ever went out with (indeed, in my entire senior class) was the pure-blooded daughter of Mexican immigrants. Am I under the sway of 1) simple nostal...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 6/24/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: You once asked why Mexican bands don’t hit it big in the good old US of A.  I think the simple answer is that there are no Mexican Mouseketeers. You don’t get to be Justin Timberlake by picking a guitarrón.  Slater from Saved by the Bell doesn’t count. The real ques...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 6/17/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: I write to you with a doubt similar to the one that Incensed in Chicago felt a couple of weeks ago, when her friend couldn’t believe that Mexicans worked in professional, white-collar jobs. I live in Tijuana, and of the gabachos that put roots here...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 6/10/2009

Types: Columns

        Dear Mexican: I was riding the local light rail when two female Mexicans sat down and started talking rapid-fire Spanish nonstop for 45 minutes! It seemed as if neither one stopped to take a breath of air. They were loud and could ...[MORE]

¡Ask a Mexican!: MUY CALIENTE SUMMER EDITION

By Gustavo Arellano

Published: 6/3/2009

Types: Columns

Dear Mexican: I am a Chicano in Connecticut. I moved from Arizona to the East Coast for my dream job. I have to admit that I’m still homesick. Connecticut is a completely different world. To sum it up in one phrase, vale madre. It took a while for me to find a Mexican restaurant close to me. It...[MORE]